Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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