I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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