I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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