We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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