I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
