I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Two words: blizzard sex
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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