I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
