So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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