Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
