I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
