She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
