I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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