I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
