The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
