Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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