Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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