I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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