What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Found your dick twin last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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