Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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