I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
