Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
