I'm jealous of your bromance
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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