I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
