a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
