Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked