She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.