Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW