True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We left the knife in your bed.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
