Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just had sex bonerless
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
