How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
