new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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