Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
