Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i think i have two assholes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?