I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
