Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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