I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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