just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
