Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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