i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
