If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
