Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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