I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
