I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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