After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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