sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
