you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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