I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I did not marry a roomba.
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