I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I see more hoeing in ur future
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