we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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