Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
