Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
