Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
