Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
