U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
