I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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